1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
Monday, November 22, 2010
old timer sex
An elderly couple is enjoying a nice meal together at a local diner.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks...
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence...
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life, love and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks...
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence...
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life, love and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Joke time again
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
simple and meaningful joke
I have two rich sexy lesbian close friends and for my birthday they got me a Rolex.
Its great at telling the time but i don't think they understood what I meant when i said
"I wanted to watch!"
Its great at telling the time but i don't think they understood what I meant when i said
"I wanted to watch!"
moment to laugh!!LOL is medcine!!
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about vaigras?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about vaigras?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
Saturday, November 20, 2010
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